Dec 2008 - Antonie reflects her life

I have vacation, and due to the fact that I do not have a car at the moment (crash), I spend most of the time at home. During the year I was more than busy. And I do not know how often I wished to have a day off. Now I have.
With all consequences.
My mind starts to bring up all that well covered feelings during busy year.
It is a feeling of sadness. I feel it in my mind and in my heart - physically. It rolls over me like a wave from my heart over my neck. So I just close my eyes and sit there for minutes in this mood.
Usually I am the therapist who should know what to do. Yes, I can go jogging, walking, meeting friends - but it does not change the source only the symptom. For some hours. I do not know if it is different, if somebody is around. But I think, it would help to talk to a person of full trust and deep connection. Maybe only someone who takes me in his arms without words and intention. Just only to be there so that I can stand the feeling of sadness.
But there is none.
Someone said to me, that even in a relationship you can feel very alone.
But in such cases - it is not a relationship for me.
It is now 6 years ago that my last "love story" ended. It was dramatic like Romeo and Julia. And with the same desperate feelings of deep love and against all odds. I quit before it came to the very dramatic end. But I know how devoted one can be in love. And the deep feeling of broken heart. I do not know how many tears I have cried in the night, evenings of deepest pain in the breast and suffer of the loneliness.
But I have learned my lessons.
So I surrender and rejected public for a long time. One year ago I started to meet men again.
But it is so heard.
The basement of a relationship for me is deep friendship and trust. I can not trust if I do not know that person. But that takes time. I can not make sex with a man, which 3 month later I recognize, he never understood me. I know the feeling of sudden love at first view. The emotions, heartbeat, fire. But what counts after months and years? I still have that deep feeling of love to my Ex-boy friend but I am aware that it has nothing to do with this material world we living in. I discovered that there is love on a deep soul level, but it could be that it never has a chance in life. Because the circumstances in world give not the possibilities.
So I met men, but those who were interested resigned by the time I told them, that I want firstly know them better before saying my intention is love...(mostly sex for men). I think trust takes time and is based on understanding each other.
Who of the men want to be only friend with a woman? Why do we not take the time of knowing each other better before passion?
I am studying the movement of the soul and I am a therapist. I practice yoga and study its philosophy. I do meditate. I fight for the right, for wisdom and truth. And against illusion. Starting with my inner self.
And at the latest NOW most of the men resign. It is a way where most men do not like to go. They try to impress me with expensive cars, business manners and being cool. The thing with "impressing" me does not work in such way. They feel it very well and so they turn away to keep to their surface with a nice blonde high-heeled Lady. Maybe that makes me desperate.
And by writing that I feel the deep sadness in me. That I do help people, but there is no one out there who just understand and stands next to me to say: I support you on your way as well as you do with me.
Someone told be, if I go this way I will be very alone because most of people are afraid of what I am doing.
Maybe it is the fate of those who do not keep to social standards and fears.
But I would never give up my way only to be part of this illusion.
With every price I have to pay.

Have a great time.